Every girl grows up surrounded by fairy tales, love stories of prince charming and even dreaming of one day getting married. The happily ever after; who hasn't dreamed of that?! I know I have. Those feelings and desires/dreams become more real as a girl keeps growing and she falls for her first crush. Then she falls in love! But the fairy tale ends if the relationship ends, when the world becomes real and all the "lovey dovey" feelings go away. Eventually, she will recover and dream again, she will heal from all the hurt and dare to love again. She will choose to believe that her knight in shining armor is out there and that all along she has been kissing the wrong frogs.
I know that for a long time I lived in the fairy tale world described above. I longed for that one person in my life that I would be with me for the rest of my life. If you've read any of my previous post, you'd know that I got close one time, dating someone for 6 years. You'd also know that I healed and that I one day "dared to love again" and I even wrote a blog post about it. (You can read it here). Another thing you'd know from previous posts, is that I have found a new life in Jesus and that I have fallen completely love with Him. You'd also know that what brought me to know Jesus is "dating"; seeking a man, and I found HIM! I've talked about many struggles in my previous posts, in different areas of my life and how I have seen God come through for me time and time again. I write my story in bits and pieces as I see God work, in hopes to encourage you in any of your struggles and to give you hope that God is with you. This post is no different than that.
These past three years that I have been walking with Christ have grown me so much and have taught me way more than I could have ever imagined. These past three years have also taken me to so many different places in life and helped me to overcome many struggles. God has made some of my dreams come true and taken me to places I'd never thought I'd reach. Walking with Jesus brings healing, I know that is something I've always heard about Jesus. He heals, He restores. Though these three years have been what I have described above, in the area of healing, if I am completely honest I was still hurting and I didn't experience that healing everyone talked about. One of the first things you are told to do in order to follow Christ is to surrender your life to him. I have to confess that though I did surrender my life to Him, I didn't surrender all of it. The one area in my life that I kept holding on to, (mostly because I didn't think it needed surrendering) was in the area of my singleness and dating. Out of all the struggles and hurts that God has helped me through, a struggle with singleness never crossed my mind. But when it did, I thought it was stupid. I never realized the journey God would take me in once I decided to listen and give Him 100% of my heart, including who AND IF I dated. I know there are a thousand and one posts about dating, singleness and girls, but stay with me. I don't plan to tell you how to do it, or give you advice. You may be even thinking "oh another girl writing about her feelings" and in a sense I am. To share with you what 100% surrendered to Christ looks like in my life and hoping that you are encouraged.
The dreams of one day meeting my knight in shining armor, as I got older and remained single, became a pressure. Pressure from society itself, from comparing my life to others, from family and friends reminding me about my biological ticking clock and in the worst of cases from my self worth. From the thought that maybe there is something wrong with me, and that maybe I am just not meant to be with anyone. As time has passed I have gone from celebrating engagements, to attending weddings and being a bridesmaid, to planning baby showers and even recently being Godmother to a precious baby girl. In my own life, I have gone through accomplishments and achievements. Like graduating college, to getting my dream job, traveling to places I never dreamed of, to buying my very first car, and checking things off my bucket list. Yet my biggest dream of finding the one and getting married has not been fulfilled. As I started looking into my own life and wondering what was missing, what still needed to be healed, I realized that I was not a complete person. I felt that I was accomplishing all of these things in the meantime that my big dream came true. I was living dreaming of a future when things would be better, rather than for now. Surrendering my singleness to God, has allowed Him to show me my true identity, my worth and my purpose.
This past year God has taken me into a journey figuring out who I am in His eyes and really knowing what I want in life. Through prayer, bible reading, mentoring and strong Christian friendships I have been able to find my self worth and identity in Christ. I am able to look at my life and see all the blessings that God has sent my way; and simply be thankful. The problem with singleness was that I was focusing on what I did not have. A boyfriend, an engagement, dates, a spouse, children etc. Rather than focusing on what I do have, like time for myself, uninterrupted sleep, freedom to do anything at any time, decorating my apartment/house however I want, deciding how to spend my time without affecting someone else's schedule, I could go on and on. I know that perhaps some of these things may come as "selfish" and they may be, but this is the time that I get to do things with only worrying about myself. What I mean by that is, this time in my life I get to make decision on my own and be 100% accountable to my choices. I know that the people around me can be affected by things that I may or may not do, but I don't have to base my decisions around someone that I do life with everyday, like a spouse or a child. I can choose to do what I want, whenever I want, at whatever time I want. And more than being selfish, having this type of freedom is the hardest I've had yet. Why? Because when I was in a relationship I could fall back on that person for choices or decisions, but now I don't have that. It is all on me. Yes I do have friendships that keep me accountable but I have to choose to want to be accountable.
Throughout this time, God has also shown me what it looks like to really depend on Him and ONLY HIM. He has taught me to look at my freedom and how I am spending it. As I continue to walk with Christ I had to stop living life until God answered my next prayer. I used to think "yes I am happy, but I can't wait to be married and be happier. I can't wait to have children so that I can.... I can't wait until, I can't wait until...." Well how about now? How about I become happy now? But see, that was problem number two of being single... "We all want to be happy" but happiness doesn't last. Today I choose joy, joy that only comes from Christ. Joy that even in the days when I am the saddest I look to Christ and I still have joy. Joy that no tears or no circumstance or pressure from family and friends can rob me off. And with that joy comes my "selfish" desire to do whatever I want with my life. For me that means serving Jesus and living for God.
Once I realized that and made it my purpose, my fairy tale mentality changed because my view of who I wanted that person to be, to spend the rest of my life with changed. I have thrown away all the daydreams and desires of what my knight in shining armor should look like or be like, and have traded them for what God wants. I have chosen to walk away from what this world feeds me about dating and finding the one. Single or married my purpose and desire on earth is to glorify God and serve Jesus. I choose to let God determine how that will be, alone or with someone by my side. When I accepted and chose this way of living for my life, I knew that dating had to stop. I stopped looking for the one that would complete me, and I stopped using my free time to meet men that cannot fulfill that which only Jesus can. I found myself complete in Christ and not needing more. I titled this post 'When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayers" because of the things I began to experience and realized after my mentality and desires changed as I began sharing them with people. At some point in my walk I realized that in turning over my singleness to God, I was also accepting the fact that a prayer in my life may never be answered. But before I get into that let me first share what God has put in my heart through this walk with singleness.
I am fully accepting of singleness as a gift and a blessing from God. I began to share with people the things that God put in my heart, like calling me not to date and to stop searching. Meaning turning down any possible invitations to dates and even giving any attractions I may have for a man, to God and not going with my feelings or doing what people tell me to do. I have learned that dating in this world and in the eyes of God are completely different. In this world, people date a person to get to know them, but with God, it is because you know the person that you want to date them. In the eyes of the world, people date in search of their future spouse, to see if they want to get married, but with God, people date that person they want to marry and they use that time in preparation for and in pursuing marriage. Another thing that I have not only learned but that God has put very strongly in my heart is regarding purity. I have experienced failing God in this area and have seen what happens when one thing leads to another and all of a sudden ended up doing things I wish I hadn't, like sex before marriage. But now that I am fully understanding of why people wait for sex until marriage, through prayer, bible studies and accountability partners, God has helped me to restore my purity and is helping me to protect it.I fully believe that He has forgiven me and cleansed me from my sexual sin, and I now see that our bodies are meant for intimacy with the one person that God may have for us. Because of this, I have chosen to be obedient to God, and I have asked Him to help me in my desire to only kiss again the man that will be my husband. God has shown me that the only way that I can be sure that I am kissing my future husband, is if I do it at the altar. Radical, I know.
There are many more things that God has shown me and that He is still showing me. The mentioned above are only a few that have lead me to where I am today. As I started to share these things with people I quickly found myself in arguments. With every conversation I saw different point of views and thought a lot of them made sense, I knew I had to stick to what God is putting in my heart. I realized that my sharing was turning into arguments because I was desperately wanting people to understand me and be on my side. But I can't expect people to do that 100% of the time because God speaks to us in different ways and calls us to do different things. That's why it is called a "personal relationship with God". So one day I decided that I needed to stop trying to win the argument and simply share what God is doing in my life and that He would use it how ever He needed to use it. Some people may agree and some will not, and that is completely ok. Other people may tell me that what God has placed in my heart or the way that I am living is impossible to ever find someone, but they clearly don't know that the God that I believe in makes the impossible possible. I choose to not put God in a box and limit Him (as if I even could) to do things in my life in a way that make sense. For the first time in my life I am not trying to understand and figure out God, I am just letting God be God and trusting Him with my whole life.
Now about the unanswered prayer. God has surrounded and blessed me with amazing people to do life with. I have built very strong friendships that keep me grounded in Him and encourage me. But sometimes, in people showing their best interest for me and trying to encourage me, things have been said to me that I have had to take to the Lord, because as encouraging as they are meant to be, they put me in a place of analyzing my surrender to God. I am talking specifically about the moments when I break down, when even though singleness is rewarding for all the things I have mentioned, there are times were loneliness creeps in and singleness sucks! There are many times where I sit alone having dinner, when I go to the movies by myself bc no one is available, when I go out to eat and have a date by myself to my favorite restaurant and even go to last minute concerts by myself and I wonder if that is how it is always going to be. In the best loving hearts I have heard the words "No, it's not always going to be like that, I am sure God has someone for you". But does He really? What if He doesn't? What if I never get married? What if God wants me to and calls me to remain single? That's when I realized and fully accept that God may never answer my prayer and desire of getting married and forming a family and IT IS COMPLETELY OK.
You may wonder why would God not answer to my prayer and desire, when I am fully submitting to Him. I mean the bible clearly says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". Well in my own life, my greatest desire is to Honor God with my life. Another desire is to one day be married and have a family; but my prayer is that God will grant me that desires only if it's aligned with His plan for my life. Do you see how that changes things? Do you see how I can find peace even if God never meets that desire? I may not know if God has someone for me, or if I am to always be single. But there is one thing that I do know; at this moment God is glorified in my singleness. The walk is a hard one from the pressure of family and friends about not being married. This world tells em that I need to be. It is very easy to at times look at the people in my life getting married and then some now having kids, and hear the enemy trying to feed me lies about being forgotten by God. I read a quote one day that strengthened me and gave me purpose; it read:
"There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when girl chooses to look past being set aside, to see God's calling for her to be set apart"
I choose to believe that God has a bigger purpose for me that I can even imagine. I choose to believe that He has plans for my life that my mind cannot comprehend. And even though there will continue to be times when I think "being alone sucks!", I wouldn't have it any other way. Because the joy, peace and security that I get from knowing that my life is in God's hands and that He has a plan for my life, NO MAN WILL EVER BE ABLE TO GIVE ME, only JESUS.
So what is that one prayer in your life that you would be ok if God never answers? What is that one desire that you can surrender to God and keep loving and trusting in Him even if it's not fulfilled? What is the one dream that you are ok with it never coming true, but your hope and joy will remain in Christ? I had to ask myself these questions in order to fully trust God and to know that I believe in a God that is bigger than I am and that gives me more than what I deserve. A God that gives me what I need and not always what I want or desire for His own glory and perfect plan for my life. I choose to follow Christ by walking by faith and not by sight. Because, "Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse." - Philip Yancey (Disappointment with God). Will you trust God with the uncertain and the things that you yet can't see? I encourage you to do so, and I can tell you with confidence that He will never disappoint you. With every unanswered prayer God will show you a bigger purpose and what He is doing in your life to Shine through you and be glorified. Allow Him to use you for His glory. He is worth it and so are you!
This past year God has taken me into a journey figuring out who I am in His eyes and really knowing what I want in life. Through prayer, bible reading, mentoring and strong Christian friendships I have been able to find my self worth and identity in Christ. I am able to look at my life and see all the blessings that God has sent my way; and simply be thankful. The problem with singleness was that I was focusing on what I did not have. A boyfriend, an engagement, dates, a spouse, children etc. Rather than focusing on what I do have, like time for myself, uninterrupted sleep, freedom to do anything at any time, decorating my apartment/house however I want, deciding how to spend my time without affecting someone else's schedule, I could go on and on. I know that perhaps some of these things may come as "selfish" and they may be, but this is the time that I get to do things with only worrying about myself. What I mean by that is, this time in my life I get to make decision on my own and be 100% accountable to my choices. I know that the people around me can be affected by things that I may or may not do, but I don't have to base my decisions around someone that I do life with everyday, like a spouse or a child. I can choose to do what I want, whenever I want, at whatever time I want. And more than being selfish, having this type of freedom is the hardest I've had yet. Why? Because when I was in a relationship I could fall back on that person for choices or decisions, but now I don't have that. It is all on me. Yes I do have friendships that keep me accountable but I have to choose to want to be accountable.
Throughout this time, God has also shown me what it looks like to really depend on Him and ONLY HIM. He has taught me to look at my freedom and how I am spending it. As I continue to walk with Christ I had to stop living life until God answered my next prayer. I used to think "yes I am happy, but I can't wait to be married and be happier. I can't wait to have children so that I can.... I can't wait until, I can't wait until...." Well how about now? How about I become happy now? But see, that was problem number two of being single... "We all want to be happy" but happiness doesn't last. Today I choose joy, joy that only comes from Christ. Joy that even in the days when I am the saddest I look to Christ and I still have joy. Joy that no tears or no circumstance or pressure from family and friends can rob me off. And with that joy comes my "selfish" desire to do whatever I want with my life. For me that means serving Jesus and living for God.
Once I realized that and made it my purpose, my fairy tale mentality changed because my view of who I wanted that person to be, to spend the rest of my life with changed. I have thrown away all the daydreams and desires of what my knight in shining armor should look like or be like, and have traded them for what God wants. I have chosen to walk away from what this world feeds me about dating and finding the one. Single or married my purpose and desire on earth is to glorify God and serve Jesus. I choose to let God determine how that will be, alone or with someone by my side. When I accepted and chose this way of living for my life, I knew that dating had to stop. I stopped looking for the one that would complete me, and I stopped using my free time to meet men that cannot fulfill that which only Jesus can. I found myself complete in Christ and not needing more. I titled this post 'When God Doesn't Answer Your Prayers" because of the things I began to experience and realized after my mentality and desires changed as I began sharing them with people. At some point in my walk I realized that in turning over my singleness to God, I was also accepting the fact that a prayer in my life may never be answered. But before I get into that let me first share what God has put in my heart through this walk with singleness.
I am fully accepting of singleness as a gift and a blessing from God. I began to share with people the things that God put in my heart, like calling me not to date and to stop searching. Meaning turning down any possible invitations to dates and even giving any attractions I may have for a man, to God and not going with my feelings or doing what people tell me to do. I have learned that dating in this world and in the eyes of God are completely different. In this world, people date a person to get to know them, but with God, it is because you know the person that you want to date them. In the eyes of the world, people date in search of their future spouse, to see if they want to get married, but with God, people date that person they want to marry and they use that time in preparation for and in pursuing marriage. Another thing that I have not only learned but that God has put very strongly in my heart is regarding purity. I have experienced failing God in this area and have seen what happens when one thing leads to another and all of a sudden ended up doing things I wish I hadn't, like sex before marriage. But now that I am fully understanding of why people wait for sex until marriage, through prayer, bible studies and accountability partners, God has helped me to restore my purity and is helping me to protect it.I fully believe that He has forgiven me and cleansed me from my sexual sin, and I now see that our bodies are meant for intimacy with the one person that God may have for us. Because of this, I have chosen to be obedient to God, and I have asked Him to help me in my desire to only kiss again the man that will be my husband. God has shown me that the only way that I can be sure that I am kissing my future husband, is if I do it at the altar. Radical, I know.
There are many more things that God has shown me and that He is still showing me. The mentioned above are only a few that have lead me to where I am today. As I started to share these things with people I quickly found myself in arguments. With every conversation I saw different point of views and thought a lot of them made sense, I knew I had to stick to what God is putting in my heart. I realized that my sharing was turning into arguments because I was desperately wanting people to understand me and be on my side. But I can't expect people to do that 100% of the time because God speaks to us in different ways and calls us to do different things. That's why it is called a "personal relationship with God". So one day I decided that I needed to stop trying to win the argument and simply share what God is doing in my life and that He would use it how ever He needed to use it. Some people may agree and some will not, and that is completely ok. Other people may tell me that what God has placed in my heart or the way that I am living is impossible to ever find someone, but they clearly don't know that the God that I believe in makes the impossible possible. I choose to not put God in a box and limit Him (as if I even could) to do things in my life in a way that make sense. For the first time in my life I am not trying to understand and figure out God, I am just letting God be God and trusting Him with my whole life.
Now about the unanswered prayer. God has surrounded and blessed me with amazing people to do life with. I have built very strong friendships that keep me grounded in Him and encourage me. But sometimes, in people showing their best interest for me and trying to encourage me, things have been said to me that I have had to take to the Lord, because as encouraging as they are meant to be, they put me in a place of analyzing my surrender to God. I am talking specifically about the moments when I break down, when even though singleness is rewarding for all the things I have mentioned, there are times were loneliness creeps in and singleness sucks! There are many times where I sit alone having dinner, when I go to the movies by myself bc no one is available, when I go out to eat and have a date by myself to my favorite restaurant and even go to last minute concerts by myself and I wonder if that is how it is always going to be. In the best loving hearts I have heard the words "No, it's not always going to be like that, I am sure God has someone for you". But does He really? What if He doesn't? What if I never get married? What if God wants me to and calls me to remain single? That's when I realized and fully accept that God may never answer my prayer and desire of getting married and forming a family and IT IS COMPLETELY OK.
You may wonder why would God not answer to my prayer and desire, when I am fully submitting to Him. I mean the bible clearly says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart". Well in my own life, my greatest desire is to Honor God with my life. Another desire is to one day be married and have a family; but my prayer is that God will grant me that desires only if it's aligned with His plan for my life. Do you see how that changes things? Do you see how I can find peace even if God never meets that desire? I may not know if God has someone for me, or if I am to always be single. But there is one thing that I do know; at this moment God is glorified in my singleness. The walk is a hard one from the pressure of family and friends about not being married. This world tells em that I need to be. It is very easy to at times look at the people in my life getting married and then some now having kids, and hear the enemy trying to feed me lies about being forgotten by God. I read a quote one day that strengthened me and gave me purpose; it read:
"There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when girl chooses to look past being set aside, to see God's calling for her to be set apart"
I choose to believe that God has a bigger purpose for me that I can even imagine. I choose to believe that He has plans for my life that my mind cannot comprehend. And even though there will continue to be times when I think "being alone sucks!", I wouldn't have it any other way. Because the joy, peace and security that I get from knowing that my life is in God's hands and that He has a plan for my life, NO MAN WILL EVER BE ABLE TO GIVE ME, only JESUS.
So what is that one prayer in your life that you would be ok if God never answers? What is that one desire that you can surrender to God and keep loving and trusting in Him even if it's not fulfilled? What is the one dream that you are ok with it never coming true, but your hope and joy will remain in Christ? I had to ask myself these questions in order to fully trust God and to know that I believe in a God that is bigger than I am and that gives me more than what I deserve. A God that gives me what I need and not always what I want or desire for His own glory and perfect plan for my life. I choose to follow Christ by walking by faith and not by sight. Because, "Faith means believing in advance what will only make sense in reverse." - Philip Yancey (Disappointment with God). Will you trust God with the uncertain and the things that you yet can't see? I encourage you to do so, and I can tell you with confidence that He will never disappoint you. With every unanswered prayer God will show you a bigger purpose and what He is doing in your life to Shine through you and be glorified. Allow Him to use you for His glory. He is worth it and so are you!
