As Christmas ended and everything becomes 50% off at the stores, because room needs to be made for hearts, I start being aware that here it comes... singles awareness day 2013. (Valentine's day for those of you in love) And even though the day of, I am never depressed as I celebrate the love I have for my friends and family, as well as for myself; something about advertising and marketing makes it overwhelming. So here I am thinking about love and yes here it goes, a post about "my love life".
I am 25 years old, single, never married, no kids and soon to be able to call myself an engineer as I graduate form my masters degree. I'll describe myself as I have heard others describe me, funny, energetic, happy, friendly, loyal, kind, caring, cute, sincere… The hardest thing for me when it comes to dating is getting comments like "with so many guys in your field of study, you're single?!" or "you're an amazing girl, I can't believe you don't have tons of guys lined up behind you", "you're a great catch, any guy would be lucky to have you" sigh…. This particular story is about my "love" life OH GOD right?! Its a vicious circle I'd say, like when they say that love hides in every corner, well heck, I might just be walking in circles!
So it all began at the short age of 17, (well actually I was 14 when I first "fell in love" but that really doesn't count as a relationship) I had a 6 year long relationship that transitioned from high school to most of my bachelors degree, yes I know… what the heck six years and so young?! But it is what it is. It was one of those relationships in which we did everything together. We grew to be just so accustomed to each other that the idea of being with someone else never even crossed our mind (well my mind). Slowly without noticing we grew, apart until we stretched the band so much that it popped. I began my journey to becoming an engineer while he was following his dream of being a musician. I decided along the way that I was no one to tell him to drop that dream and do something realistic, since I myself was fulfilling a career to prove many people wrong.
But of course coming from a mexican culture, there is a growing macho in every male ever born. He was always doubting that the guys I "hanged" around with were just my friends (which of course hanging out was actually more like enslaving ourselves to the library with no life and goals but to ace our exams and cram all sorts of mathematical and science geekness in our brains), but without a college education himself would he ever understand? On my side, I always doubted the girls he hired as singers. I never in all honesty doubted him, as I always told him that I trusted him but it was them whom I didn't and his niceness and kindness only made girls like him more. You know like those gestures that can get misinterpreted? But in his translation of what I was saying was a jealous girlfriend who spent her days "hanging out" with guys and had no right to say anything. Well long story short, one of them liked him so much that took advantage of him. He cheated. I am sure the only reason he told me was because she ended up getting her pregnant. So that was that as you can imagine. She was a divorced, some years older than him with two kids from a previous marriage.
For several months after that I went back and forth with him, trying to convince myself that the love of my life was worth fighting for..... what an idea I know! It was just so hard to get over him, you can't just erase 6 years like that, specially if he cheated! BUT you can if you have the friends God blessed me with :) It took about 2 years for me to be ok or even consider dating again. In which years I "hated" men and I myself claimed to have turned into one, as I had no feelings and didn't care about anything. I literally placed a shield on my heart and for that ime being I was convinced that I would never find anyone and was destined to live without love.
As I got over it, I decided to try something new and something that had worked for my roommate at the time. I signed up for online dating. I dont want to say that it didn't work because I did meet people and had great dates, however in the long run relationships didn't go in the direction I wanted them to. In this time, I decided to give things a chance by dating different people and dropping the stereotypes. I dated the guy with the long beard, the not so great looking guy with enough money to take me on flying dates, the guy who was only looking for a good time, the military guy and the guy who tried to make things work but a child and an ex-wife got in the way.
You would think that after that I would be back on my heart shield and man hating mode, but to my own surprise I was not. The last person I dated thought me great things and as I "gave up" on online dating, I started analyzing everything that had happened. I realized shortly what I wanted in a man and what was really most important to me in a relationship. But most importantly, I learned to love myself and to open my heart to the possibility of loving again and finding the man I want to grow old with.
Now as I am closer to God than I have ever been, and having experienced so many things, I know God has someone for me and I must learn to be patient and trust in his timing. I have opened my heart to the possibility of loving and have learned to ask in prayer for what I wish for and what my heart desires. I dont want to just date or have a good time, because at the end of the day that leaves me empty. I long for a serious relationship and by serious I mean one that leads to marriage. I have so much love to give and truly desire forming a family. I am now looking for a man of God, a man who loves and knows God and is not afraid or ashamed to say it.
In my previous blog (The New & Improved Flor) I talked about how I know I cant ask for something I am not, but I have changed that. I am growing more and more each day in faith and in my relationship with Christ. I have began opening my heart to love by opening my heart to Him first and trusting that things will happen when they are meant to happen. But form time to time I still find myself asking: "Dear future husband, where are you and whats taking you so long?"
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