The Freedom to chose Him

It has been two months since I wrote the last post to this blog "A little bit of freedom and God's greatness", and two months in which God has worked so incredibly in my heart and my walk with Christ. If you recall from this last post, I talk about the freedom I received from obtaining my work permit and how after 18 years I was finally free from facing deportation and free to reach my full potential. Well at the time I wrote that blog I was overwhelmed by God's grace on my life and the wonderful gift he had given me. However, I never imagined the price that comes with freedom and how scary it can be to have that freedom.

In this post I want to share the struggle I faced by both the freedom of this world and the freedom in Christ. I receive my work permit and one excitement that I did not share in my last post is that my permit would also allow me to travel to my best friend's wedding. Two days after defending my thesis I got on a plane New York City bound! I cannot begin to describe the joy in my heart, as I got to the airport and I was not there to say goodbye or to receive a loved one or a friend. I was there to get on the plane myself, for the very first time! I was there to travel after 18 years of being in El Paso with no vacation, and without being able to go through a check point. I got to the airport with no fear in my heart and with God right beside me. 

So many times, I had the choice to risk traveling places. I still remember everything they would tell me to encourage me to go and not be nervous:

"You speak perfect english" 

"You will not be going alone, its a bunch of us" 

"They never check anything, I doubt its gonna happen this time" 

"Dont be sacred, if you dont take risks you will never enjoy life, you will never know" 

"Dude they didnt ask us for anything, you should have traveled with us"

Many times I thought about it and I almost went, then the fear of deportation and being caught would come into my mind and I stepped back. I missed out on vacation trips with family, conference opportunities and college competitions, just for fun weekend get aways, spring break trips and so many more. But something in my heart always told me that my time would come, that I needed to be patient and wait. And then New York City! It felt as if God was rewarding me for all those times that I didn't take the risk. All those small trips that I could have taken were compensated in the overwhelming city NYC is. God was being good to me, my time had finally come. 

I flew into the city at night time and I was excited to see all the lights from the plane, but I didn't get a sense of NYC until the next day that I saw it with my own eyes. I have to admit it was so overwhelming that it brought tears to me eyes when I saw the building and the beauty fo the city. I couldn't believe I was there, it felt like a dream. But then the struggle began, all that beauty of such city soon became to consume me. Living illegally for so many years had taught me to adapt to situations and places quickly. So fast paced as I had been living was perfect fitting for New York. By the time I was there, I had completed my thesis, I was officially done with my degree. I was an Engineer in New York City. 

I talked to so many people and soon began to realize my potential. Before leaving to NYC I had my heart set in El Paso and my church. I left thankful for what God was doing in my life and wanting to find a job and stay with my family and my church. I knew I was an engineer of course, but at the time it didn't matter. I thought to myself that I didn't care for the title, all I wanted was to follow God. My feelings were shifting in this trip and so was my heart, as I was tasting freedom of the world and as Jay-Z sings, I was experiencing "The city of sin". It soon started getting into my head, "I am an engineer, I can get a job anywhere, I have a work permit now,  I dont have to stay in El Paso, I can even come and live here to NYC or where ever I want,  I can find another church, God is everywhere...." "I, I, I, selfish I"

It is true, God is everywhere, but I dont need too look anywhere else to find Him but my own heart. That is the most important place that He should be at. I came back to El Paso with a struggle in my heart wanting to find a balance and a way to have both, the world and God. If I could describe it with a picture, I felt as if God had shown me the world and what I could be in it and asking me which one I desired more. I saw two hands, the hand of the world and the hand of Jesus; in my heart the question "which one do you choose to hold on to?" The freedom of my permit also came with the freedom to choose. The freedom to USE what God had made of me to please the world and be consumed by its disguised beauty, or to BE what God has created, called me and made of me to be. To choose between the world and God. 

I chose and still choose HIM, Him who died for me, Him who set me free from myself, Him who has loved me when I couldn't love myself, Him who has restored me and fixed every single detail of my broken heart, Him who has forgiven me and taught me to forgive, Him who has provided and cared for me every step of the way. I choose Jesus. I choose to struggle everyday that I need to in His name. As a friend today shared with me, "I choose to die to myself daily, denying myself, picking up my cross  daily and following Him."

It was very hard coming back to El Paso and having the Lord re-direct my focus on Him. and I say that He re-directed my focus because the truth is, I cant do it on my own. I can only keep my focus on God by the strength and boldness Christ gives me to take on each day. Once I was able to get back on my knees and speak to God, I saw His direction and guidance. The truth remains, I am an engineer, God has gifted me and created me that way. So was I going to fly where ever my degree could take me or wherever God would take me? Again I choose God. I left with El Paso in my heart and its still in my heart, but I have to let God decide for me. I choose to let Him lead me, emotionally, spiritually, physically and professionally to where I will honor and glorify Him more. 

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, it had been a while that I write in this blog. I've had this post in my heart for quite a while now, but I was waiting for the right moment to share it. This day could not be more perfect, the 4th of July, the biggest celebration of freedom in the USA. God has gifted me the freedom to go about the states, the joy to live in a nation celebrating freedom. Today I join  in those celebrations, but I have a greater celebration of freedom in my life and in my heart....

The freedom to choose Him.